Knights in white satin

I’ll say one thing in favour of the recent tide of tacky royalism and rain-soaked bunting: at least the Union Jack isn’t pink. So if I wanted to join in with the flag-waving fun and get my little girl a Union Jack tshirt, say, at least it wouldn’t be… oh, wait:

Screenshot of top three results in Google Images search for "girls' Union Jack tshirt", showing pinkified Union Jacks

Union Jill

Ho hum. OK, so I’ve seen one or two refreshing changes, such as an uncharacteristically non-sexist advert from Pampers:

Pampers advert for Union Jack nappies

21-bum salute

That child’s wearing pink… but in an active pose!

Pampers advert for Union Jack nappies - "made for active little princes and princesses"

Activate the Queen

Active princes and princesses? You mean princesses can be active too? Fantastic! Well, it’s a start, anyway.

Sadly this was a bit of an outlier, as most of the Jubilee tat aimed at kids seemed to be just another excuse to sell the ‘pink princess’ dream (or should that be nightmare?) to little girls. Here’s a classic from Vertbaudet:

Screenshot of Vertbaudet email advert showing Jubilee fancy dress outfits: 'knight' and 'princess'

Fancy that

“Choice of very playful fancy dress outfits”! Unfortunately the choice was made for you before you were even born: male or female. “They are great for capturing your childs’ [sic] imagination,” apparently: great for reinforcing gender roles, more like. The knight is in classic Crusader colours; the Princess, of course, is in pink. Because that’s what Princesses wear. Princesses like Kate Middleton:

Kate Middleton & Prince William - Kate wearing her iconic blue dress

Princess #1!

No, wait. Princesses like… Princess Beatrice:

Princess Beatrice, wearing a turquoise skirt suit and flying-saucer hat

Princess #2!

Ah. Princess Eugenie?

Princess Eugenie wearing a royal blue jacket and matching fascinator

Princess #3!

Hmm. Let’s go back a bit… ah yes, the people’s fairytale princess, Princess Di:

Princess Diana wearing a sky-blue full-length off-the-shoulder satin dress

Princess #4!

Well, this is embarrassing. Perhaps we need a more mature princess… Princess Margaret?

Princess Margaret wearing a dark blue ballgown

Princess #5!

Or maybe we need to travel a bit further afield… Princess Maxima of the Netherlands?

Princess Maxima of the Netherlands wearing black trousers and a royal blue satin shirt

Princess #6!

She’s not a crown princess, though. Perhaps Swedish Crown Princess Victoria can save the day for Pink Princesses:

Swedish Crown Princess Victoria, wearing a pale blue dress and matching scarf and sash

Princess #7!

OK… I give up. Happy Diamond Jubilee, everybody!

The Queen wearing a sky-blue suit and matching hat